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Warmth begins to rise within me,

And now consumes me.

I need release.

But what is release?

Instinct takes over.

My hands reach the warmth,

Protect the warmth,

Increase the warmth.

Oh.

do you know how it feels to be viewed as a hero like Thor

to be praised and given thanks for giving a love so pure to a person unlike anything they’d experienced before

but as time carries on things start to change for the worst

and before you can realize, the person’s heartstrings begin to close like a purse

no matter how hard you try to correct all your wrongs,

the person you had enchanted with your love decides to move along until the point they can take you no more,

and you are no longer seen as the hero

forevermore

I don’t like being angry, but it’s so easy
It’s so easy, to let go of the chains
The chains, holding all of it back
It back, from outside my head
Outside my head, is scary and one word
One word, could ruin me
Ruin me, thats why
Thats why, i hate being angry

Love tastes like chicken noodle soup
Smells like fresh bread from the oven
Feels like a ray of sunshine at 7:00 am
It varies everyday
There are mornings when
The soup tastes bland
The bread is a little charred
Or the clouds gather and pours
But then,
You consume them anyway
And promise to try again the next day.
And the day after.
And the day after that.
Until you tasted every possible taste
Until you wafted every possible smell
Until you felt every possible weather
But still look forward to it the next day.

the pain of losing your father
it never goes away, you know
it’s a wound that never heals
with time, of course, it scabs over
you may go hours without thinking of him
then days
and maybe weeks
but simple mundane things
like catching sight of a stranger who looks like him
or a whiff of his scent when you visit home
or the tunes of an old song that he would listen to as it drifts through the air
memories from a lifetime ago
and you are back
to the pain of losing him
but also the beauty and wonder of having known him at all
of having been chosen
to be his child
of having had the best father in the whole wide world
for all the romanticized love around
it is easy to miss this simple, unassuming, unexpecting love
that is true and pure
and forever
it is better to have known and lost
then to have not known him at all
i’ll see you on the other side papa
.

It burns my feet
Feels weird on my skin
Gets stuck to my body
But it feels like within
It’s where we talked freely
Where your skin brushed my hand
I know I’ll always remember
How you looked by the sand

To My Lord and My God

A dancing soul
Living at the edge of madness
Never crossing the line
Did you say a lie?

Those clouds have left but cold
Left me with many scars
I am scared to tell you too much
You do not know that I can’t fly?

Fishing my dreams when they are gone
Pushing yours back because I die
Magnetic balance my state of mind
Do not switch off your eyes from mine.

Rainbow of chances through the sky
Some too fast to catch
Close enough I smile
Hold my hand that has no life

Alone confronting that nasty tasty,
thought of death
While I continue to be alive
I let the morning to arise
Did you say that you love me?

Becoming aware of the limit
Crossing the infinite but never touch it
Tomorrow I will catch you
Say a word to me, so please

Enough for now that I may hear
Return to you the moment here
A heart disclosed to touch
You, so close so far

That familiar feeling
I hate it because it reminds me of you
But so much has transpired since you left
and it reminds me how u tried to be a prominent reminder of pain
how I constantly felt insane
A nostalgic kind of sadness that I could not withstand
I hope the worst for you.
I hope the same kind of fate that I could in him. I loved him so. I loved him
more than anything. In the end. He chose anything else but me

So, I’ve been thinking about you and me, since we are no longer we. And how maybe women can be compared to a trend. Like the choker and Polaroids.

…

And then, as we know it, the trend changes. Good women are no longer in. And no matter how great and accommodating she was of an item, she’s placed back on the shelf and priced to go.

it’s five am and she just refreshed her phone
waiting
for the strangers on the internet to praise her
like her friends never could.
stardom was an expectation,
perfection was not a suggestion,
so now she craves validation,
never learned how to handle rejection.
do this, do that, do everything,
driving herself crazy for reaction.
she used to be so good and so smart
now she just spends her nights crying
trying to recover what she’s lost
but no one is ever there,
she can’t stand to lose the last shard of her crown
so she’d rather die every night silently
and say that she’s okay in therapy sessions.
c’mon, give her something, a comment or a like,
just give her something to hold onto,
just tell her that she’s enough.
five am. refresh. rinse and repeat.
what a life.

i know there are more important things,
purposes i have that need to be fulfilled
but how can i keep going without addressing this,
my mind just keeps pulling me back to you.
i hate feeling like this because you don’t seem to care
but the fantasist in my mind has you in such a strong bind,
vulnerability it took to let you in,
vulnerability it takes to let me miss you,
vulnerability it takes to admit,
that even though you cut me
i’d let you back in
perhaps even heal your wounds before mine,
kiss you and pray to the divine,
pray that you’re happy,
even if you’re not mine.

I’d oftent ask her
what is so beautiful about sunsets
if all that they truly mean
is that everything and everyone has an end
she’d say it reminded her that no matter
the how difficult the path may be
the end is always beautiful

I’d ask,
what if there is no beautiful end to see?
she’d say, then I’d learn to love the path i took
for somewhere down the road
I’d become the path
and the path will become me

I’d ask,
what if i never love the path i took,
do i become a wanderer with nothing to see?
she’d say, those who wander are never lost
but are perhaps on a path of their own
on a road not taken.

I’d ask,
what if you aren’t there to answer me?
she said nothing,
because now I’d become her
and she became me

for all the lives I’d live to see
there is one thing that i have learnt to be
love is not as cruel
as people make it out to be

This Place

An arching, aching, expanse
withered and worn
by an indefinite stream,
my consciousness,
yearning to fill the cracks.
They still persist.

Time knows not This Place.
Or perhaps it is known by time, too well.
An ancient void,
yet somehow just discovered.
Perfectly stable alone,
precariously balanced on the edge of
lonely
for how long?
Time knows not This Place.

‘It is filled’
echoes throughout.
The stream still flowing
when the nothing becomes too much.

Sometimes nothing is better than not enough.
Perhaps time knows This Place
just perfectly.

Time is either moving too fast, or hardly moving at all
It is difficult to tell, all that is known is it feels like time doesn’t matter so much here.

A small twig weightless in the breeze,
One large green leaf holding onto it tightly
Unfurled and stretching towards the sun.

Swaying
Floating
Drifting
Untethered.

Untethered, but with a string bound tightly to its frail body
The string glorious shades of red and gold,
Flecked
Sparkled
Ethereal
Iridescent

…

First hit,
Harsher than strictly necessary,
All sharp spikes and prickly edges,
Awaits the twig.

It plummets down through the boughs.
Hitting a seemingly unending number of branches on the way down.
Only to halt mere centimetres from the earth.
Saved from impact by the magical thread
Woven throughout the trees branches
Holding the twig in place securely.

Trunk an immovable source of strength
Love
Warmth
Growth
A place for rest.
Home.

Deep beneath the mossy terrain
Below the great canopy of the tree
Spreading out as though a web crafted from the most skilled spider
Grow the roots.

Plunging as deep as they do wide
The roots cement the tree to the planets very core
The Beginning
Everything
The source of creation.

Source connected to roots
Roots connected to trunk
Trunk connected to branches
..And the one splintered twig
With the spectacular viridescent leaf
Intertwined through them all
Held firmly to the trunk by the luminous thread.

Home once more.

Tethered.

The cloud inside me gets
denser and denser by,
Hanging in some corner of my heart With a tight hook.
This force brings me down,
And Drag through the mosaic floor Injuring my flesh and bones
And without even knowing
I’m at my grave …

If I could fly
I would fly towards the sun
My wings would burn
and I would return
to the ground and I would die

I wish I was like a mole
I would dig a hole
I could dig down really deep
Then I would hide from every soul
Down there I would weep and weep and weep

Brave lions step up,
The pressure so steep,
So horrid an injustice,
The lions labeled black sheep.

The weight of a nation,
All down on one knee,
An example to all,
Oh how proud they should be.

Carried us further,
Than we’ve been in so long,
The way that they’re treated,
Couldn’t be any more wrong.

Why did I do it
I ponder every day
Too late to go back

If I were to scream and cry
To plead and beg
To whine and moan
Would they notice me the way they do you?
Would they hear me too?

“Why can’t it be about me for once?”
It always is
It always has been

In ways big and small
With nearly no effort
You command a room
You cast a shadow so glorious it is all I can do to wilt in its umbra

Look at my eyes
Canʼt you see
The pain that may subside
but will not cease
The crooked smile
The yellow teeth
It hides the emptiness I feel beneath
My chosen home
My lonely street
Envelop me in darkness
I choose to sleep

It really is a shame it has to be so lame

With cancel culture and perms, that’s only the start of the game

There are e-boys and anime, oh yeah and Addison Rae

Putting her body on display just for faceless likes and praise

Don’t forget the dances, oh so cliche

And no its not just the dumb humor that has me feeling this way

It’s the desensitization at the end of the day

Invention of being super straight and disapproval of transgenders and gays

And all of the racism could put you in a hays

The effect on the youth is like a psychological maze

Just because your favorite influencer said the n word doesn’t mean you should too

Living day to day
No idea how to make headway
How to break this endless cycle
Make the effort, take some time and think about it Michael

How I wish to be brave, honest and care free
Not afraid, or guarded and “oh god help me”
Learn to be grateful for what you have got
Take stock and remember you have quite a lot

I was lead to the ocean.
The skies were clear, the colours bright, I wanted to go to the ocean.
I dipped into the water, but it didn’t affect me much. I wanted to go to the ocean.
Excited, I jumped right in. Burdens carried, patience thin, I dived into the ocean.

I drowned.

I spend a lot of time imagining what it will be like when I finally meet my person
I like to imagine the look on his face as he studies the shape of my own, attentively tracing the
curve of my jaw and the slope of my nose with his eyes as if he plans to sketch me
He stares at each curl in my hair, the ringlets behind my ears and the small, flame-like coils that
lick my forehead
He reaches out to touch me, almost as if to confirm my existence
Twisting a curl around his finger and brushing his hand across my cheek, he smiles
Although my skin is warm, he wouldn’t be surprised to feel the cool shock of marble beneath his
fingertips
In his eyes, I am likened to an ancient Greek sculpture, each detail on my body exact and
intentional
But he knows that my semblance can never be etched into stone or depicted in a painting
No one could possibly recreate how my face lights up
when I talk about what I love or the way my eyes drift out of focus as I disappear into my own
mind
He is smart enough to know a camera can never truly capture a sunset
And so instead he looks at me, really sees me
His eyes dart back and forth as if to drink in all that I am before it’s too late
I wish he knew that he has all the time in the world

They say follow the rules of a normal life

And build a house to find peace in life

So I Found a job and built a house

Still couldn’t find a life to live

Still couldn’t feel a thirst to quench

They say love heels a lifeless soul

So, I loved and kissed to revive the soul

Still couldn’t see a life beneath

Still couldn’t find an air to breathe

They say travel enlightens a dull soul

So I packed my bags and opened the doors

Still couldn’t see the bright light ahead

Still couldn’t trace the shadows left behind

A puddle here, a puddle there
Death will get you, no matter where
Are you here?
You are not
Are you there?
Thankfully not
The end arrived, you stare in fear
But the people rejoice; the people cheer
Misusing your free mind
You decided to be blind
After turning innocent souls into a memory
You can only weep in your misery
Deserved, as it should be
Another justice, another victory
To you, it is unfair
To the people, an entertainment
a fair.

I sit on my bed listening to Itoh and Watanabe,
Ichiko whispering on her guitar.
I feel as though they just make sense.

But not us.

The Summer haze drifts through my window.
I’m not a lover of heat you see,
But my fan clogs along with songs of pops, snaps and cracks,
Shattering the air into a million breathes.
I hold onto it and lay back.

I wonder if imaginary smog will soffocate me. Today or tomorrow.
I will wake up with August in my rear window,
Smiling to myself as the setting Sun sets my trails on fire.
And I reach the other side.

Tomorrow will be different,
You’ll get up, open your curtains,
And smile at the sun for the first time in weeks
You’ll get out of bed, get dressed,
And not look in the mirror for flaws you’re so good at seeing
You’ll go downstairs and see the sun pouring in through the kitchen windows,
And you’ll feel it warm your ever cold toes
You’ll put the homemade waffles in the toaster,
And you’ll giggle to yourself when they come out a little burnt, just like always.
You’ll take one last look out the window at the garden,
And you’ll smile knowing that there’s so much life just a few steps away.
You’ll take the stairs two at a time,
And try your hardest not to spill the glass of milk all over the carpet.
You’ll try your best to take care of yourself,
And all your hard work will pay off,
Because, whether it feels like it right now or not,
Tomorrow will be different.
I promise.

Your diligence, your steadfastness,
Your skillfulness, your assertiveness,
Your creativity, your wise inquisitiveness…
Oh, mum, I could go on and on.
Oh, mum, you make the true meaning of a mother.
As virtuous, loving, and caring as you are,
I rejoice as I watch you being you,
You are my dazzling mum!

Express yourself, be creative
Your art is too messy
We don’t see why you’re so disruptive
This school isn’t for your kind
We can’t solve your problems with a band aid or surgery
So we can’t help you here

Mother my brain is so full of voices
But darling those voices aren’t real
Father my head is full of scary thoughts
But sweetheart we have done nothing but love you

Do I not fear?
Do I not learn?
I keep coming back
In you, I found my harmony, my freedom, and my balance
but little did I know they wouldn’t last long

I want to explore the world, the tall buildings, the meadows and the silence of seas,

the warmth of the sun calls my name but I’m too afraid to step in the unknown,

for I had found the safe company of screens in the sight of none.

I hide behind the shadows of crowd hoping someday to have my own identity.

A rule that I always forget despite being constantly reminded of it;

Things only come to you when you don’t want it anymore

The more you desire to have it, the further it runs away from you

A rule that I hate so much, because sometimes, you can’t help but wait for things to come to you

You keep on dreaming, imagining yourself enjoying the scent of it, feeling it running through your veins, breathing it so deeply that it fills every part and part of you

You start believing that it’s real, dragged so effortlessly to an endless series of lies, lies that become solid roots to your reality

You’ll slowly begin to reap its fruits, realizing that you’ve been constantly feeding on a fairytale that you weaved by yourself

And one day, your whole world of lies will collapse, revealing the ugly truth that you’ve been fleeing

You’ll never understand the reason why you can’t get to it, although it’s been inside you all the time…

You can’t reach it; you’ll eventually give up everything, hating yourself for not being able to perceive what you want

flowers and strays were my favourites

walking around aimlessly too

i loved to read and to write

i also loved to talk and talk till no end

i loved listening to people talk

and hear their stories and watch their gestures

i loved loving the world

because the world is beautiful

How many more do you want
how many hearts will you haunt?

I realized what I’ve done
I realize
Breaking to the ground
The screams hiding inside me
The pain controlling my thoughts

Trying to grasp, every crevice, every corner.
I deconstruct- Each step to finer and finer shapes
I cut- In each section I am thorough
My morphology- is reduced to finer nodes

They fell in love with the way the pale moonlight hit her bare body at night,

Only ever pretty when she was getting undressed, only ever “i love you” when her shirt was off.

All she ever wanted was for someone to compliment her the way the colour green complimented her eyes,

All she ever wanted was him.

I believe I can quell the ache,
So, I devoured all the gust tonight.
Sensing the sultry sun on my skin and smelling the wet mud,
its needless to safe keep time.
Did I really make it past the dark storm yesternight?

Just me and you and our love
In the pouring rain
Roof sheltering us from the elements
Just me and you and our love

Plucking on my heart strings like a new guitar.
Play as much you can
Just don’t pull too hard

Let go? Never
Change? Never
Immature? Sure

It was cruelty when you told me I needed to change
When you had checked out of our shared future
It was cruelty when you said you didn’t have an emotional life
When I needed to be let into it
It was cruelty when you said I couldn’t communicate
When my pain was unacceptable to you
It was cruelty when you blamed me for not loving myself
When you made that impossible to change.

Then I waited, seconds became minutes, minutes turn to hours, and today 2 years have passed, yet still no sign of you.

I learn to live with the void you left,
Pain, pain, pain, pain, pain,…
Pain filled the hole in my heart

What I have left is stalking
But It’s like stabbing myself over and over again.

As paddle dip’s swiftly in river bright, so does my pen in ink of velvet black.

Spray crashes off the bow to leap o’er head sting my eye and strike my tongue.
Just as scrawling words may spring from page’ to embrace me in ethereal wings.

i see it now, it’s obvious
my desperate need to be
a member of the audience,
a failing copyist with projected cockiness
only to myself

a deep twisting unease
followed me doggedly
a cruel twisting shadow
pulling hard and holding tight

Yet still loneliness is what I feel
How can I be lonely when you are so kind
Loving me gently
Treating me nicely
Why do I not love you the way that I should
Why can I not hold you the way you hold me
You have given me everything
But why do I want more

Don’t Underestimate the power of love
Where it blooms and glooms all the above

I do not underestimate the power love,
Because what love was, is, or coulda been
Could all rebirth again, in the power of love.

It could be rain it could be snow
It could be winter all in a row,

It was as if a light switch was clicked in his head .
Went from perfect to somethings up then heartbreak.

Now I have to learn how to live without him again,
how to find happiness again.
I’ve tried other boys,
but it just hasn’t worked.

how can you move on when all you can think about is the past ,
but that’s all you want to think about ,
but you know you shouldn’t because you need to
“move on”
“find another guy” ,
It’s hard to see him happy when I’m broken inside.

TIME TOOK ITS TOLL ON YOU.
IMAGES TOO FAST FOR YOUR MIND TO SEE,
BLINDED BY AN ONSLAUGHT OF PIXELS,
FORCING COLORS RELENTLESSLY.

Light, towards his eyes,

darkness all around.

Running through straight line trenches,

Germany on the other side,

Searching for his lost lover.

i miss u

text me back

come back

u don’t have to love me

but be near me

and don’t love someone else

when i check my phone and there’s nothing from u

my heart sinks

but i think about u alone eating fruits at a picnic table under the sun

and smile because your legs never folded right under the table

The next love shall receive all. That is what I have learned and accepted. He has not, but I have

but I am stronger than he.

I wanted you, thought I wanted you but now I do not

I am at a different locus now even though I loved where I was

still existing.

I no longer need to have the best friend 

Nor the best companion from a true friend 

All I seek is one thing:

Feel what is genuine.

But every step so taken is to secure a life never lived

Age has taught me how to institutionalize 

But every institution so built is to colonize a system meant to be liberated

Age has taught me how to educate a soul

But every lesson so taught is to distance the it from its own.

After all these years there is only one truth to be told

That time passes by and the so does the age

But one remains the same, though the texture may change.

The echoes of laughter                                                      

Secret silent jokes                                                   

Smile laugh and tease,                                                   

Each other as we please.                                                 

But the days were gone.

You said you’d never leave,

A promise you made to me.

Yet here i am, left to bleed

out all of the emotion I have left to give

The love I have for you,

Is stronger than anything I’ve ever felt.

Now I just love you from a distance

You still probably don’t know how much I fell for you

Or how I can’t stop thinking about you

I know you’re wrong for me, but I can’t accept it

I am hopelessly in love with you

And I always will be

Goodbye expectations from external sources

Goodbye people pleasing

Goodbye

Breathe in change and growth

Peace begins with acceptance

Life is ever changing

We were born to evolve

The mindset of going back is lazy

Progress is necessary for the world

Cancel culture leaves no room for grace, repentance, and growth

Present. Help me be present.

Welcome to life.

I lost love

I am finding myself 

I lost myself

I lost the love for myself

I gained knowing my Creator

I gained making my salaah

I gained a slow carm heart

I gained a bond with my brother

Certainty becomes uncertain, 

The definite, unsure.

Like slowly noticing,

The intricacies of a stone.

It’s grooves, shades, textures – a bland object, grown.

to start a life without them devastated everyday until the pain may finally subside

or to be the man that gives up on everything

life love hope

and just go through it all with no feelings

but that is the price of falling in love

you lay your heart out bare

sometimes youre lucky and its taken care of

sometimes its ignored and left behind uncared for

and sometimes its just slightly used when convenient

You better stop looking for me

in the end,

I don’t even wanna know the route back home

so lemme go, find my high . . .

IMAGES TOO FAST FOR YOUR MIND TO SEE, BLINDED BY AN ONSLAUGHT OF PIXELS, FORCING COLORS RELENTLESSLY.

IS THERE ANY ESCAPE, WILL YOU EVER BE FREE? OR WILL YOU SOON FALL VICTIM,

A PREY OF TECHNOLOGY?

Nights went from falling asleep feeling safe in his arms to sleepless nights with the thought of how it could’ve ended like it did,

almost as if that thought plays on an infinite loop in my head.

When can I press the pause button, how can I?

I can never imagine another guy making me feel the same way he did.

The way his voice lowered right when the clock struck nine, to how he would always wait till I got into my car.

Walking me home because he knew I was scared to be alone,

now I’m walking alone wondering if there’s ever gonna be a guy like him again.

It feels as if no one understands

I wish I could forget
Just how long it’s going to take
For them to look at us
Like they look at each other

I wish I could forget
Just how easily they do
And how hard it is for us
To get the images out of our minds

I wish I could forget
Just how many are gone
And how long we’ve fought
Only to lose once again

How can you bring me such
Sunshine and peace?
You are just a man…
But see
That is the thing
You are not just a man
You are
My man

“This ideology gave us freedom
From the best of our freedom fighters’ wisdom
The democracy can prosper and rejoice
If people choose congress as their choice.’’

Lithe and light swaying like feathers.
Cascading down undaunted and determined, a warm waterfall.

No one knows the life that they lived, stepped on and brushed aside,
They paint your walk home with colour.
Covering the ground like a thin blanket, consoling your tired walk.

My soul could be carefully extracted from the scene in shattered matter,
Only observable under a microscope showing the decay of your cells from mine.
Despite the crushing oxygen we breathed in, I remember the morning crispness of fall air,
And the smell the remnants of the empty coffee cup on your desk,
The bitterness I gulped down still soaked in my taste buds.
In one hour, I didn’t even hear the clock tick or the sun rise, and I didn’t dare stir to end our silence.
We laid there in our last hours, moved slow and dark, till the next hour screamed goodbye.
And this second, hour, and day, was forever envious of the last.

For she is soft, still and slight,
And he is warm, kind and bright.
As he awakes the sky is blue,
The day is wise and always true.
He smiles sweetly and bares a chuckle,
His scent a gentle honeysuckle.

. . .

But I am like the Friday night,
Solemn and sleek yet full of sprite.
I’m bold in entrance but soon fade away
Tender into Saturday day.

Love wins the battle by ten goals to nothing

My heart has fallen deep inside

My inspiration fades away

I’ve really died a lot inside

The last I’ll ever see you again

Wish I has spent it all with you

You left without saying a word

Goodbye was hard for me too.

The weight of my chest is so heavy
Till all I’m is the air I breathe.

I find a broken tree stump to share some of this weight
The wind that took its branches blew right through me while I had to wait.
Waiting for my momma to call me with news
Is he still here or did we actually lose?
I tap tap scratch my fingers against the bark
. . .
And then the man next to me, he lets out real laughter while my happiness is near welded shut.

We weren’t meant to be strong, our hearts were of silk, not the rough

I said to you,

“look at us, we’ve reached the bend”

A turn so new

Yet not the end

Your eyes shut for a second time

And a deep breath you drew

As we entered our prime

So let me ask you, when did the classrooms and field trips turn into computer
screens and backyard visits, when did playing at the park and seeing people you love become a
crime. Taking away rights decreasing are social skills and life skills the fear filled virus is ruining
my generation, its ruining my chances of surviving if life somehow turns back into normal. But
for now the masks, the fear, the loneliness and lacking of social interaction is are new normal,
are grocery store visits have now turned into vacations and real vacations are only seen as
impossible dreams.

You scoop under my rib cage and pull me into your silhouette

I can feel your lips on my ear

And for the longest five seconds I’ve ever known

We are both entirely still

How can I love sleeping alone, but hate sleeping without you?

I watched.
As my life fell to dust around me and it settled. I laid in it for months.
I deserved this.
I earned every piece of it.

But then he came along.
He who protects and helps
I know what I want now.
Because I want him.

He makes the sun shine a little brighter.
He makes the quite nights the silence I am searching for.
Everyday he shows me he loves and cares for me and yet I’m still so unsure.
How do I know I’m not too much?

My acid stomach declines to riot but I hear her call for more – she seeks the other halves which overfill with liquid hope, hot and white, spilling seed

In the autumn soil that soak my feet, bounced cheques growing my hunger

Further

. . . Sinking.

In the last few months
I have slept through first hour
On multiple occasions.
My list of completed assignments
Is nothing compared to the list of missing ones.

I understand that I need to do better
I understand that I am walking a thin line
I understand that I need to get my act together.

But do you understand
that I need you to be patient with me.
Do you understand
That my laziness is not my choice.
Do you understand
That I need help, not criticism.

Must such a thing be our destiny?
They say “life is what you make it” but who is “you”?
I don’t believe I’ve had the pleasure of meeting them

Maybe we’re far from crossing paths
If this were a dream would you wake,
Are we all but Alice in Wonderland
Gone a little mad at the thought of reality’s complexity
Deeper and Deeper it goes
Spiraling out of control, but it’s ok

Reality isn’t meant to be constant
It’s not long term and it’s not without turbulence

Red sky at night, sailors delight; red sky in the morning, sailors warning

I wish I could hate him, she said

Or I wish he could say he is sorry, she said, and like a fish could come swimming as soon as that bait hit the water.

I wish I could hate him, she said;

Or I wish I would have told somebody sooner, and instead like a sailor; I would be watching the lunar landscape in the night with the red sky and feeling delight.

TW rape

He’s a friend
As his hands gripped my arms tighter, holding my shoulders down like the handlebars of
a bicycle
He’s a friend
As I yelled internally to block the sounds of his demands
He’s a friend

Dim lights shine
in the dark i hear and feel the quiet sting and dull ache of it
its always there, since you left its all that remains.
piercing my heart like a knife to butter

Once the box is full of water,
And I’m adapting to the change,
My wife, with a smile,
Pulls a chair up to my prison
And begins to idle chat
About the daily details of our lives.

I can tell that she expects me to engage
As though the conversation she is having
Is of regular importance
As though I am not locked in
And entirely submerged.

play with my bra strap when we’re in the dark

lay me down and touch me so sweetly

I wonder if everything else is a dream

when your green eyes catch on my face

I wonder if you’re the dream

when your dad gets home you push me into the closet

slam the door in my face

tug your tiny tank top down again

covering up miles of your skin and my sweet, sweet kisses

and don’t let me out for hours and hours

when your dad falls asleep you sneak me out

say tomorrow is when everything will change

Then there was the quiet 

The silence after you left

The emptiness of you gone 

Wishing that I’d looked closer 

Wishing I’d noticed 

Wishing forever

It’s so different now

Forever foggy 

Forever missing you

nature feeling like an escape to the moon

while i hold onto your hands til noon

as tears run down my face

and i’m wondering, will you ever be replaced?

the wind and dirt bring the chase

as if they separate us from this place

while i hope that you’ll be blessed with grace

once you’re somewhere in the space

Orange is the feeling you get

When looking out into the distance

Feeling the warmth of the sun,

The comfort of others.

Orange is the feeling of

Biting into a fresh piece of fruit

Under the comforting shade

Of a tree in summer.

i silently search your eyes

Climb into your brain

Try to gauge your thoughts

Try to see if you know im in pain

Pain you discovered and fostered as your own

Pain that rains down

Showering

Covering

Smothering

Cascading through my hair

Splashing against sagging shoulders

Rolling down a withered, weathered spine

Half the force it used to be.

Broken backs need more than just a Brace

The best part about sleeping with you

Not sleeping like having sex

Sleeping like two kids laying innocently in a bed together

When we are both in our claimed corners

Our bodies completely separate

Somehow you reach your arm over

It finds the shape of my waist perfectly

It’s one of those days 

Those days where you’re thinking I’m ignoring you

Those days where I can’t find it in me to put on a smile for you 

For you it’s one of “those days” but what do you think it means for me

I lay there still

I lay there with meaningless tears in my eyes 

I lay there and I think about you

How you’re thriving and being good to you FOR you

I lay there and think about how to you I’m nothing but lazy 

how unattractive it might seem for someone to have no motivation, no drive.

I’m proud of you for doing so much, but I’m also proud of me for doing so little.

You’re right, it is “one of those days”

One day there will be a house,

That will become and home

Of joy and warmth and musical laughter

And there will be no shaking walls

And empty bottles

But there will be champagne on hand for when there’s a call for celebrating.

There will be a garden, and a tree that begs for someone to climb it,

And a dog who lounges in the shade.

There will also be a you and me

And the story that lies between our smiles and glances.

…

The house you love. Imagine that. The one you love filled with people who terrify. If you create the tether, you must want it. All things we want we gamble for. Heat snarls around my back while I read about The Temple of lightness. Pain is a flower, I know because I read it. When did I become so desperate? The man I turned to in the kitchen, the one who kissed like he was giving me things back.

Alone he walks in the dark blue streets.
In the coldness and fear of the dark blue nights.
The blue man alone always reaches,
The old blue river where he will be affright.

He stands there and think about all the old nights,
When he thought of ending things for the final time.
He always knew it would end by the river,
But he never thought it will end tonight.